The Anatomy of Low Esteem

 

I thought it would give me relief. The first time I and my best friend fought big time was a few years ago when I was a teenager. We had a misunderstanding and the whole thing escalated way out of proportion. We were not on talking terms for a whole week. I was miserable and I learned through a mutual friend that she was too. We both stood our ground nevertheless. I did not want to lose her so I gave in quickly but she was adamant. She has always been strong-minded unlike me. 

 

Eventually, we made up, but the second big fight triggered something in me. I cannot point my finger at what it was. But the day it happened, I gave up the next day only. I used to cry and hardly move from my bed. One day I was crying in my bed while my limp body lay there. It was then that the thought struck my mind. To have some pills. My head felt so burdened that I could only think of how to escape the circumstance. 

 

The thing is, I knew at that moment how suicidal ideations work, and how people who encounter such thoughts feel. Because I felt so much relief from the mere thought of it. I could only think how I would not have to deal with the whole situation. It seemed like the easy way out. 

 

I did not go ahead with my plans. But it made me understand how something seemingly trivial can trigger even suicidal ideations. And I also understood that we do possess the power to overcome such thoughts. It could be powered by genuine love and concern for my family. I was then in a place where I felt supported and loved which made me come out of the spiral of such negative thoughts almost immediately.

 

It is the state of mind that decides whether or not we are resilient enough to take on any stressors of life. If accumulated to an extent, it can result in us breaking down and resorting to the least favorable options.  

 

One of the major reasons why I resorted to such ideation was low self-esteem. Having low self-esteem can blur one’s reasoning abilities. I was indeed able to recover to a great extent, if not fully, from low self-esteem. Although, I still struggle sometimes but I know I have become better. I acknowledge the love and respect my friends shower me with and I try to remember it from time to time if I forget and begin to fall into the loop of low self-esteem again. I remind myself of all the things that contribute to my self-esteem including all that I have achieved till now, what I am willing to achieve, my hard work, and love from my surroundings. We tend to forget our self-worth and self-love when faced with a difficult situation. But at times like these, we need to remind ourselves of our true worth and continue to live life with the needed self-love and confidence.

 

But if by any chance you feel that you are not provided with a safe space and do not have the required support, you can always visit a professional and share your concerns. Resilience resides in us, we just need the right support to understand its existence and how and when to use it.