Depression: My story from Struggle to Survival

Depression? Was it easy? The sufferings?

Got diagnosed with severe depression just 2 months from today but was going through it from last 3 years. Depression? We often use this word in everyday life and still are feared to talk it out if we’re going through it. I knew I am suffering from depression but was afraid to share, seek help and talk to my loved ones about it only because of the fear that they would ask for a reason which I never had. My family was good with me, my childhood was fun, and whenever I wanted to talk about it people would always ask me for the reason. Then with time, I realized it’s not an embarrassment to talk about it, to seek help. The struggling days were difficult, I had severe symptoms of depression like usual panic attacks, socially unavailable, I stopped going out, I had anger issues, hated the people around me. I knew it had a cure but also had a fear of being labelled. The feeling was ugly, lonely and thoughts were only suicidal. The feeling of having everyone around and still feeling alone, wanting to go out but still not having any interest, any focus, any motivation, loving your friends and hating them at the same time. I couldn’t explain myself; it was a feeling of being lost. I think I am still in a survival mode, trying to deal with everything but sometimes I think it’s only because of the medications and sometimes I think it’s me who now wants to get out of this and live a normal and happy life, without this label, without fear, with confidence, with self-love.

Was reaching out easy? Was accepting the word “depression” easy?

I did, I did accept this word. I did when I thought that there is nothing to be ashamed or being sorry for. When the bubble of my patience busted, I accepted it, I shared it first with my parents and fortunately they were very helpful. My first visit to the psychiatrist I still remember it, I was overwhelmed and crying. My parents were with me and I was still having that feeling of loneliness, thoughts of self-harm and suicide. The first question my psychiatrist asked was “How are you feeling?” and I broke down, started to cry, that feeling of pain was in my whole body. I was shivering and my answer was I don’t want this life, I want to end this, I feel useless, I feel like a burden for everyone, I feel alone even when everyone is around. I have a sense of embarrassment in public, I can’t deal with the social load. I was crying while expressing my self first time. It took a whole lot of courage to speak out freely for the first time without having the feeling of being judged and without any embarrassment.

I felt light, the feeling was good and the doctor diagnosed me with severe depression, panic disorder, agoraphobia and suicidal risk.

What were my feelings? How was I feeling?

For the first time I was feeling I did it. I spoke out and now I will do everything it takes to be normal and happy again. Out of the feeling of being depressed. Going out of the clinic I saw a plant with beautiful flowers and in my mind named it “my plant of hope”. One flower fell down and I picked it up, put it in my wallet and kept it with me and named it “hope”. That flower is still with me and every morning I look at it dry but still in hope.

I was on medications for 3 months and now I see that life was never black and white like I saw and felt. Life is full of colors, there is happiness in every little thing. I am slowly getting out of it and I am proud of myself for reaching out.

My thoughts on life?

What we see becomes the meaning of life for us. The meaning of life for me is that life is short, we don’t have much time to waste it. I was going through depress and yes, I reached out to help after 3 years but did I waste my 3 years? No, I didn’t because everything happens at its own time. You do suffer and it has its time, you survive and it has its time, you heal and it also takes time.